I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
