This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Randomize
