actually, I'm a sock model
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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