Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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