i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize