this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
