Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's never too late to be topless.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize