dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Semen is not good for contacts.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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