Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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