Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
