if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
