I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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