Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
