I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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