Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm always down for nudity.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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