woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
