we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
