and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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