I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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