I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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