i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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