my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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