So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
