When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize