I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
