Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
