I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
