Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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