I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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