please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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