Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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