you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
