i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
