I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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