walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
