I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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