You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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