I smell stomach acid.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
