when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
