I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
