Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
