Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
