Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
