fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
