So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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