They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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