This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
