How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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