im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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