I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
