this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You are a genius and a whore.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
