Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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