What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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