I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
