he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
