omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
