It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
