Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
