Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
