I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
