Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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